Understanding Family Mediation: A Key Pillar of Alternative Dispute Resolution

Segal Conflict Solutions

In today’s blog post, I will delve into family mediation and explore how it functions as a crucial component of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR). As the Director of Segal Conflict Solutions and a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner (FDRP), I have over ten years of extensive experience in family mediation. I will provide insights into its significance and operation. This article will examine how family mediation works, its benefits, and its role as a core pillar of alternative dispute resolution.

I.What is Family Mediation?

Family mediation is one of the alternative dispute methods. It is a process in which a neutral third party, known as a mediator, assists families in resolving conflicts and disputes amicably. It is often employed during divorce or separation proceedings, child custody disputes, and other family-related conflicts. The mediator facilitates communication, encourages productive dialogue, and helps parties reach mutually acceptable agreements.

II. How Does Family Mediation Work?

Initial Consultation: The process typically begins with an initial consultation (called a pre-mediation or intake session), during which the mediator meets with each party separately to understand their perspective, concerns, and desired outcomes. This individual session allows the mediator to assess the suitability of mediation and address any initial questions or concerns.

Joint Sessions: Joint sessions are scheduled once both parties agree to proceed with mediation. The mediator acts as a neutral facilitator, creating a safe and respectful environment for constructive communication.

Identifying Issues and Interests: During joint sessions, the mediator helps identify the key issues at hand and encourages participants to express their concerns, interests, and priorities. This step ensures that all perspectives are heard and understood, fostering empathy and enabling the exploration of creative solutions.

Generating Options: With a clear understanding of the underlying issues, the mediator guides the parties in generating potential solutions. By exploring various options, brainstorming alternatives, and considering the family’s unique circumstances, the mediator helps expand the range of possibilities and encourages collaborative problem-solving.

Reaching Agreements: As the discussions progress, the mediator assists in structuring mutually acceptable agreements for all parties involved. These agreements may cover areas such as parenting arrangements, financial matters, property division, and other specific concerns. The mediator ensures that the agreements are fair, balanced, and legally sound but does not provide legal advice.

III. The Role of a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner (FDRP):

As an accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner (FDRP), I am qualified to provide family mediation services and issue Section 60I certificates if mediation is unsuccessful. Section 60I of the Family Law Act 1975 in Australia requires parties involved in parenting disputes to attempt family dispute resolution before commencing court proceedings. If mediation does not result in a resolution, I can issue Section 60I certificates, allowing parties to file their case in court.

IV. The Benefits of Family Mediation:

Family mediation offers numerous advantages over traditional litigation or adversarial approaches to dispute resolution. Some notable benefits include:

  1. Preserving Relationships: Mediation prioritises open communication and cooperative decision-making, fostering a more positive and respectful environment. It allows families to maintain better relationships, particularly when ongoing co-parenting or future interactions are involved.
  2. Empowering Parties: Family mediation empowers parties to actively participate in finding solutions that meet their unique needs and interests. It gives individuals a direct say in the outcome and promotes a sense of ownership over the agreements reached.
  3. Confidentiality and Privacy: Unlike court proceedings, family mediation maintains confidentiality, ensuring that sensitive information and personal matters remain private. This aspect is especially valuable when discussing children’s well-being or financial issues.
  4. Cost-Effectiveness: Mediation is generally more cost-effective than litigation. It reduces legal fees, court costs, and the overall length of the dispute resolution process, providing families with financial savings.

Conclusion:

Family mediation, facilitated by an accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner (FDRP), is valuable for resolving family conflicts and disputes through constructive dialogue and mutual agreement. It plays a pivotal role in the realm of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), offering benefits such as relationship preservation, empowerment of parties, confidentiality, and cost-effectiveness. By considering family mediation as an option, individuals can navigate challenging situations with greater cooperation and achieve outcomes by prioritising their family’s best interests.

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My experience with Child Inclusive Practice (CIP)

Family Mediation - Segal Conflict Solution

The best interests of the children are always a priority in family law mediations. Sometimes it can be difficult to gauge exactly what children, when their parents are separating, need or want as it is common to hear two opposing views from the parents. Perhaps also it is the child telling the parents two different things to please them both.

Where exactly does the truth lie, which parent actually knows what their child needs most, or sometimes the question to ask is which of these parents can put their child’s needs ahead of their own needs or indeed put aside their animosity for their former spouse to focus on the child.

I have been involved in two recent cases where the parents had completely different views on what their children were needing. One of the cases involved a mother asserting that the two children had expressed a desire to live mainly with her and only see their dad on weekends. The other involved a teenager wanting to go from living almost 50/50 with both parents to wanting to live predominantly with her father.

While the specific circumstances of each case of course differed, the question in both cases would be essentially what was going on for the children – what was the motivation for the teenager wanting to live solely with her father? And what was going on for the two children apparently wanting to live mainly with the mother?

Was the father of the two children accurate in saying that the mother was trying to manipulate the children? Was the mother being genuine in saying that she was being guided by the children? With the teenager, both parents expressed a desire to gain insight into her wanting to change living arrangements. Could it simply be a case of teenage hormones or perhaps there was less discipline and more freedom in the father’s home which would obviously appeal to the child. There was no way for us to establish the legitimacy of either perspective without hearing from the child/ren themselves.

Both these cases I felt called for Child Inclusive Practice (CIP) which means bringing the voice of the child/ren to the mediation table by an outside third party, an experienced child consultant. We often recommend it in cases where it is unclear exactly what the children need or want from their parents. Hearing two opposing perspectives from the parents can be due to several factors, perhaps the most common being one of conflicting loyalty the child feels for both parents. Children generally do not want to hurt either parent by sharing how they really feel. The introduction of a child consultant provides the opportunity for them to speak openly.

In both these cases, the parents agreed to the CIP process. The parents need to be supportive and in fact brave enough to give their child the opportunity to speak and to be heard in a formal process.

The interview with the child includes their feelings about the current living arrangements and their hopes for the future, without placing them in a position of having to say or decide what they want. It is a highly skilled interview which will account for each age and situation. Care is taken not to promise any particular outcome to the child, but rather to assure them that everything possible will be done to help their parents better understand their children’s experiences and what they are needing from their parents.

To get back to the two recent cases I was involved with, the children met with our child consultant and she later provided feedback to the parents within the mediation setting. In the first case, the child consultant had the difficult task of telling the mother that the two children did not in fact want to live with her the majority of the time but were content with the current arrangement of 50/50. One of the main things to come out was that both children told the child consultant that they would like their mother to give them more independence and that they wanted her to stop questioning their time with their dad as they felt guilty every time they saw him.

With the second case, the teenager said that she was very angry at her mother as she felt the mother was the major cause of the breakdown of the marriage and she felt she no longer trusted or respected her. In this case, it was a question of re-establishing the parent-child relationship, and the child consultant recommended family therapy for the child and parents.

In both cases, it was difficult for the parents to hear the voices of their children. Without a `doubt, it is a very confronting and emotional process. But what we, as mediators most commonly see is that the parents stop being so positional and can move into a place of understanding and some acceptance of the situation.

I have found CIP to be a powerful intervention which supports both the child’s need to be heard and understood as well as a powerful tool to help re-establish the co-parenting relationship.

While parents are sometimes hesitant to expose their children to yet another element which may add to their confusion in the separation/divorce of their parents, almost all of the CIP mediations that I have been involved with have been extremely valuable to both the parents and the children. I will therefore always, when appropriate and when it appears to be in the best interests of the children and families that we work with, recommend CIP as a powerful way of helping families move out of the cycle of conflict and towards a more unified unit.

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Parental Alienation and the impact on children

Segal Mediation Sydney

Parental Alienation and the impact on children

As mediators or family dispute resolution practitioners, we are always stressing the importance of prioritising what is in the best interests of the children. This means that we really try to get the parents to commit to a child-centred approach in respect of reaching agreements. This is a framework for separating parents to commit to engaging in doing what is truly best for the children, regardless of how angry you are and regardless of how justified your anger might be towards the other parent. To burden your children with your anger towards the other parent is not only unfair to your children but can cause them serious emotional harm in the long-term.
Case law is firm that each parent has the duty to actively promote and facilitate the relationship between the child and the other parent.

When parents alienate the other parent, they are unknowingly harming their children.  Children will likely never have two people who love them more than their mother and father.  In turn, children naturally love their parents regardless of their flaws or imperfections. Children do not like hearing that one of their parents is the “bad” parent. They prefer to have two good parents.

Examples of disparaging behaviour can include the following:

  • Making verbal comments that insult, mock or disrespect the other parent. This includes comments about the other parent’s physical appearance, financial status, employment or any other aspect of that parent’s life. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or how ‘lazy’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, is making the child feel conflicted about loving that parent.
  • Physical gestures or body language that implies the other parent is not worthy of respect. This can include eye rolling or loud sighs or sarcastic laughs or even a certain tone of voice that implies a negative message regarding the other parent.
  • Controlling behaviour which impacts on other parent’s time with the children. This refers to behaviour that crosses appropriate boundaries. Examples include intrusive or obsessive questioning about time spent with the other parent, numerous interruptions of time spent with the other parent and refusal to comply with the parenting schedule.

These type of inappropriate behaviours towards the other parent are known as “alienating behaviours”. Studies indicate that long-term alienating behaviours ultimately lead to long-term emotional and relationship issues for the children who are unfairly put “in the middle” of parents with unresolved and misdirected anger. The studies show that children put into these situations often suffer from anxiety, depression, substance abuse, self-harm and thoughts of suicide.

The question turns to how a child-centred parenting plan should be created? A child-centred approach understands that neither parent will get everything they want and that litigating to get it will not likely benefit the children; it will lead to a tense relationship for whatever is left of the family unit.  A child-centred approach to parenting assumes that nobody really wins a family court battle.

When creating a parenting plan from a child-centred perspective, parents should compare what they each want and work out ways to compromise on the differences.  This may seem to be an idealistic approach, but for parents who want the best possible situation that can occur after a divorce, this is really the only approach they can take.  They have to be willing to give up certain things to get the most important thing: well-adjusted children.

If parents cannot put the conflict aside to become cohesive co-parents, can they still have a child-centred divorce? It seems the consensus is that even parents experiencing high conflict can remain child centred.
Parallel parenting is a way for parents who want to be child-centred, to still do so, even if they are experiencing conflict.  Essentially, parallel parenting is the act of two parents agreeing to disagree and not fight for the sake of their children.  Parallel parents still communicate, but they do so in ways that avoid conflict triggers that often lead to arguments.  Much of the communication is done non-verbally via email.  Over time, people may transition to co-parenting if and when the conflict subsides.

In conclusion, it is gratifying to see some parents really try their hardest to put their feelings aside for the other parent and focus on what’s best for the children. As mediators, we will always discuss the impact of denigration when necessary and the resultant effect of parental alienation. At the end of the day children have the right to have a meaningful relationship with both parents and depriving them of this, while it may feel well-deserved or justified at the time, is not only going to have a detrimental long-term impact on your children but there is a good chance they may also end up resenting you. It is time to put those feelings of anger aside and focus on creating the best possible environment for your children and this includes them having a positive relationship with both parents.

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