Parental Alienation and the impact on children

Parental Alienation and the impact on children

As mediators or family dispute resolution practitioners, we are always stressing the importance of prioritising what is in the best interests of the children. This means that we really try to get the parents to commit to a child-centred approach in respect of reaching agreements. This is a framework for separating parents to commit to engaging in doing what is truly best for the children, regardless of how angry you are and regardless of how justified your anger might be towards the other parent. To burden your children with your anger towards the other parent is not only unfair to your children but can cause them serious emotional harm in the long-term.
Case law is firm that each parent has the duty to actively promote and facilitate the relationship between the child and the other parent.

When parents alienate the other parent, they are unknowingly harming their children.  Children will likely never have two people who love them more than their mother and father.  In turn, children naturally love their parents regardless of their flaws or imperfections. Children do not like hearing that one of their parents is the “bad” parent. They prefer to have two good parents.

Examples of disparaging behaviour can include the following:

• Making verbal comments that insult, mock or disrespect the other parent. This includes comments about the other parent’s physical appearance, financial status, employment or any other aspect of that parent’s life. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or how ‘lazy’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, is making the child feel conflicted about loving that parent.
• Physical gestures or body language that implies the other parent is not worthy of respect. This can include eye rolling or loud sighs or sarcastic laughs or even a certain tone of voice that implies a negative message regarding the other parent.
• Controlling behaviour which impacts on other parent’s time with the children. This refers to behaviour that crosses appropriate boundaries. Examples include intrusive or obsessive questioning about time spent with the other parent, numerous interruptions of time spent with the other parent and refusal to comply with the parenting schedule.

These type of inappropriate behaviours towards the other parent are known as “alienating behaviours”. Studies indicate that long-term alienating behaviours ultimately lead to long-term emotional and relationship issues for the children who are unfairly put “in the middle” of parents with unresolved and misdirected anger. The studies show that children put into these situations often suffer from anxiety, depression, substance abuse, self-harm and thoughts of suicide.

The question turns to how a child-centred parenting plan should be created? A child-centred approach understands that neither parent will get everything they want and that litigating to get it will not likely benefit the children; it will lead to a tense relationship for whatever is left of the family unit.  A child-centred approach to parenting assumes that nobody really wins a family court battle.

When creating a parenting plan from a child-centred perspective, parents should compare what they each want and work out ways to compromise on the differences.  This may seem to be an idealistic approach, but for parents who want the best possible situation that can occur after a divorce, this is really the only approach they can take.  They have to be willing to give up certain things to get the most important thing: well-adjusted children.

If parents cannot put the conflict aside to become cohesive co-parents, can they still have a child-centred divorce? It seems the consensus is that even parents experiencing high conflict can remain child centred.
Parallel parenting is a way for parents who want to be child-centred, to still do so, even if they are experiencing conflict.  Essentially, parallel parenting is the act of two parents agreeing to disagree and not fight for the sake of their children.  Parallel parents still communicate, but they do so in ways that avoid conflict triggers that often lead to arguments.  Much of the communication is done non-verbally via email.  Over time, people may transition to co-parenting if and when the conflict subsides.

In conclusion, it is gratifying to see some parents really try their hardest to put their feelings aside for the other parent and focus on what’s best for the children. As mediators, we will always discuss the impact of denigration when necessary and the resultant effect of parental alienation. At the end of the day children have the right to have a meaningful relationship with both parents and depriving them of this, while it may feel well-deserved or justified at the time, is not only going to have a detrimental long-term impact on your children but there is a good chance they may also end up resenting you. It is time to put those feelings of anger aside and focus on creating the best possible environment for your children and this includes them having a positive relationship with both parents.